Zetsu gets bored
by RoastPigeon
Summary: Sundays are always the same for Zetsu; equally boring and annoying because of the other Akatsuki members who all have a partner... After spying on them to get rid of his boredom, something crazy comes into the mind of who knows which half of him... ZetsuxZetsu, implied TobiDei. Explicit yaoi (boyxboy) sex, swearing, kind of pwp-ish.


AN: First of all, just so I doesn't forget it later, I DON'T OWN NARUTO OR ANY CHARACTERS IN THE STORY (even though it's pretty obvious since this is a fanfiction site). Second, if you didn't get it from the summary, this story contains yaoi (boyxboy sex), so no like, no read. And third, if you're not as insane as me, don't mind me when I write stories like this. This little thingy contains a ZetsuxZetsu lemon and an implied TobiDei lemon (I must put my otp everywhere lol). Selfcest. I think I warned you about everything.

* * *

It was Sunday again, and Sunday was always boring. For Zetsu, at least. In the other days of the week the members of Akatsuki went to hunt bijuus or bounties or just gathered scrolls and information, but even the underground spy hideouts took a break in the weekend. Simply, because everyone got tired after working every day and wanted some time for themselves. Of course, there were some maniacs like Hidan, who only killed for fun, but the jashinist had Kakuzu who kept him on leash in order not to attract attention. Pein had ordered them to stay in the hideout on Sundays, if possible. The less they went out, the lower was the possibility for someone to find them. On these days off, everyone had something to do, usually together with their partners. Kisame dedicated this time for the maintenance of his sword, cleaning it, cropping the scales and other disgusting work he enjoyed at its fullest. Itachi read scrolls or just slept to recover his eyesight. Hidan and Kakuzu fought each other as a training. Deidara made up new sculptures. As for Pein, Konan and Tobi, no one knew what they did the whole day, and no one wanted to know either. Zetsu was always the only one who was bored on Sundays. Since he couldn't kill new people, he either had to stay without eating or had to consume corpses which were already half-rot. He was a hard person to gross out, but that was too disgusting, even for him. When he went to someone and said ,,I'm bored", they brushed him off with phrases like ,,You can do my paperwork if you want (Pein)", ,,Go and stalk someone, that's what you fucking do all the time, isn't it? (Hidan)" or ,,Talk with yourself, un (Deidara)".

,,What should we do now?" white Zetsu sighed as he and his other half laid down on the bed of their single room.

,,**Chatting with you is worse than doing nothing.**" Black replied.

,,Yeah, because I already know what you know since we have the same brain."

,,**Deidara is an idiot.**"

,,Yes, he is." Zetsu's left hand played with the edge of one of the big leaves they covered themselves with.

,,Hey, why don't we spy on someone?"

,,**Don't take Hidan's advice, he's also an idiot**"

,,Do you have anything else in mind? Man, you criticise me all the time, but you don't have better ideas either!"

,,**How could I have any idea different from yours, dumbass?**"

,,Okay, left leg's gonna stand up from here now." so he did, but in the end, black Zetsu followed too. The plant-man walked silently on the corridors of the Akatsuki hideout, already finding himself a little more amused.

,,**Where should we look first?**"

,,I wanna find out if Pein and Konan really do what I think they do." The leader's and his girlfriend's room was in a different part of the big cave. Pein said the reason was keeping distance from his subordinates, but secretly, everyone thought it was so they couldn't hear them going at it all night. Now, Zetsu was going to confirm those beliefs. He merged his face with the wood of the door and just watched.

,,How is this possible?! I can't believe you didn't buy them!" a blue-haired woman shouted, as angry as ever. She stood right besides Pein who sat at his desk with an annoyed face.

,,I forgot, okay? I have a lot of work to do, don't expect me to remember everything."

,,But this is im-por-tant! What do you want me to do if I run out of tampons?!"

,,You still have half packet left, won't it be enough until tomorrow?!" the redhead hopped up from his seat, and the couple was now shouting at each other and gesticulating.

,,It's always the same fucking day every month! Why can't you lift your fat ass and get me some?!"

,,Oh yeah, you expect me to just walk out and buy tampons in a shop?"

That wasn't exactly what Zetsu thought he would see, but this was fairly enough for him of that conversation.

,,Wow, that was creepy." White stated.

The next room they decided to visit was Kakuzu's and Hidan's. The miser and the zealot apparently hated each other, but no one knew what could happen with a masochist and a tentacle-user in the same room... Zetsu wondered if it was just his dirty mind. He was back to the corridor in a second, but he heard footsteps and a familiar _cling_ of a scythe approaching. He quickly hid in the wall, not making a sound. Hidan walked past the plant-man with his right hand holding something small inside the upper side of his cloak, against his chest. A wide grin spread on his face, so extatic about something, Zetsu thought he wouldn't have noticed him even if he hadn't hid. He waited until the zealot entered the room, and stuck his face in the door again.

,,LOOK WHAT I FUCKING GOT, 'KUZUUU!" said stiched man sat at the table, counting money, because what else would he do in his free time.

,,What?" Hidan held up the thing he had been hiding before, but Zetsu couldn't see it since he was facing his back.

,,It's so small and cute~~ And look at this fur! Isn't it the fluffiest thing ever?"

Zetsu didn't usually laugh or smile, but he almost blew up his cover now. Hidan liked cute, fluffy kittens? That was an information worth remembering...

,,I'm gonna buy a fucking bow for him! Aww, wouldn't it look sweet, 'Kuzu?"

,,**Let's get out of here... I'm dying of laughter...**"

,,No, no, I wanna keep on watching!"

,,**Me too, but we'll get spotted if I have to listen to one more sentence from Hidan**!"

Zetsu pulled his head back outside and burst out the very moment he got far enough from Kakuzu's and Hidan's room.

,,**Wow, I'm starting to have fun**!" his black half said in his husky voice.

,,See? I told you it was a good idea!"

,,**The fact Hidan was the one actually suggesting it makes it even better. You were right this time, dumbass.**" Zetsu's right hand patted the left side of his head.

,,Are you an idiot, patting my head? It's _your_ head, it makes no sense!"

,,**I always forget that. You're too different from me.**"

,,It'd be less fun if we were the same."

,,**Yeah, whatever**"

Zetsu stopped when he squinted the door of another room. The sign on it said: Sasori Tobi & Deidara.

,,I guess I know what's gonna be in there, but do we really want to get caught up in an explosion?"

,,**Something tells me this will be different than what we expect.**"

,,Okay, let's check then"

At first sight, the room was empty and very messy. The two bed were positioned so that there was some room between their sides and the wall, so Zetsu didn't spot the _strange thing _behind one of them. But there was something else he saw right away; an orange, swirly mask laying on the bed vacantly.

,,Wait wait wait wait, is that Tobi's mask?" White's eye widened.

,,**I think so...**"

,,But if it's not on him, that means he..." he was cut off by the sound of hard breathing. It was impossible to figure out what was going on. Black Zetsu's jaw suddenly dropped, making the other wonder if he saw something.

,,**C-can you see that?**"

,,What?"

,,**That's... blonde... and black...**" when Black couldn't speak normally, there were problems. And behind the bed, his white half finally squinted the blonde and black locks suspiciously close to each other.

,,H-holy shit...!"

,,**Somehow, I had this feeling.**"

As Deidara moved upwards his head was now visible from the wall Zetsu was spying from. His stitched arms were wrapping around a neck very covered in black material.

,,Haaah... You're such a bad boy, Tobi, un!" If the plant-man had a childhood, that would've ruined it.

,,**I don't get why are they going at it on the floor.**" Black asked impassively.

,,S-some weird kink, maybe..." White said, who was still struck.

,,**Or this is just what happens when idiots decide to have sex.**"

Zetsu stayed, secretly hoping to hear something else.

,,Lube, Senpai?"

,,You should've bought it for me, idiot! Respect your elders, un!"

,,I thought you'd get it since it's you who's gonna need it!" Tobi whined.

,,That's the point! Why can't you be polite enough to buy it if I'm already bottom, un?"

That was enough. Zetsu got outside again, panting heavily like he had just seen a nightmare. Creepy things happened in this organization.

,,I guess that makes only Itachi and Kisame left."

,,**Maybe I don't even want to know.**"

,,Come on, we have to finish what we started."

Zetsu proceeded the same way as before at the door of the two nins mentioned before. The sight was nothing out of ordinary; Itachi laid on his bed, trying to sleep while Kisame was polishing Samehada. What caught the attention was what they were talking about.

,,Come on, Ita, you know I love you!"

,,I don't care, Kisame! Shut the fuck up!"

,,Don't be so stuck up! I'll give you everything!"

,,I repeat: I. Will. Not. Use my sharingan only to see what's stuck in the guts of your stupid pet-sword!"

,,But look at him, can't you see he's suffering? You're the only one who can save him! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE!"

,,My eyesight is getting worse and worse, I won't waste it on such a thing. Take it to the vet or just cook it and eat it!"

,,Come oooon, Itachi! Samehada loves you too!"

,,Whatever."

,,You have no heart!"

,,Yeah, right. Stop pestering me."

After deciding that the Uchiha and the shark man were _boring_, Zetsu went back to his room, his white half a little disappointed.

,,Aww, why doesn't the Akatsuki have more members to spy on?"

,,**Remember, we wouldn't have to do this if that asshole Pein assigned a partner to us!**"

,,But he told us why he didn't. It's because we're two people already." White's voice seemed somewhat sad.

,,**Still, we're one.**" Zetsu was currently on his bed, same position as before. But his white half, who had been talking with his eye closed, suddenly looked towards his other part, which seemed a little weird from the outside.

,,I know I always say we're the same, but I feel different from you now."

,,**Different from yourself?**" Black asked mockingly, earning a smack in his forearm.

,,Ouch. I forget sometimes."

,,**Nnngh... What are you doing?**" black Zetsu asked, feeling a familiar pulling from his left.

,,Splitting. It's been long." In a few minutes, there were two men instead of one. White stood up from the bed and started stretching. He apparently didn't care about his nudity after the big leaves fell down in the earlier process, along with the Akatsuki cloak. Black stared, lazily laying on the bed.

,,It feels weird." white Zetsu said, turning back to him.

,,**You're the one who wanted to do this, don't complain.**"

,,Jeez, you criticise me all the time! We're partners technically, you should be nicer..."

Black didn't answer. He gazed absently at White's body, which was his own. His other half was looking at a random point of the wall, not really sure about what to do.

,,Why did I even split with you?" he asked himself, scratching his green scalp.

,,**I know why.**"

,,Huh?"

,,**You felt lonely, didn't you?**"

,,Yes, I did. But this didn't change anything in the end." his face showed a hopeless sorrow, and even if his own skin made any expression hardly visible, Black felt the same.

,,**If you did, I did too.**" He finally moved from the bed, walking towards White.

,,Wha-" His other half was cut off by black Zetsu's lips. The dark half held the other's wrists in his hands. His left hand's skin hadn't been this soft... White closed his yellow eyes and kissed back; still, when they had to gasp for air, his expression was angry.

,,You never make any sense!" his voice was calm, even when he was mad.

,,**I am you, right? Then it's you who doesn't.**"

,,This is like... Narcissism."

,,**No, it's like jerking off.**"

,,Who was talking about sex over here?"

,,**You act like Deidara earlier.**"

,,How should I act when I'm trying to rape myself?" Black held his face's two sides in his dark hands.

,,**You want this because I want this**." he pressed his lips against White, slower this time, causing him to let out a faint whimper and wrap his arms around Black's neck.

,,**We have to do this with each other since we cannot do it with anyone else, Shiro**" white Zetsu didn't have a name of his own, just like his black half didn't. He smiled softly.

,,Wanna make it to the bed or are we going to do this like the idiots?"

,,**You're right, I want to sleep with you aftermath, and you'll catch a cold on the floor.**"

,,You too, dumbass. Don't act like you're not me." White pulled him with himself on the bed.

,,**Stop calling me a dumbass**."

,,Can I call you Kuro then?" said man kissed his ear as an answer. His gaze lingered on his other half for a while, thinking about what to do next. His choice fell on trailing his black fingertips over a nipple, just barely touching it. It was like experimenting for black Zetsu; he would find his own erogenous spots this way.

,,Are you afraid to touch me properly, or what?" a submitted Shiro asked, making the other man's mind snap back.

,,**You're getting too cocky.**" he flipped White and leaned over him, kissing and sucking on the bone of his neck, his hands trying new places and his yellow eyes observing the reactions.

,,I'm not containing myself when I'm alone." like always, Kuro felt the same thought pop in his own mind, but still, it upset him. Couldn't that idiot see they were not the same?! That's what it meant to have a double-personality, even if they shared the same body. Still Black understood that violence was no way to make him understand, and besides, it'd stupid to hurt his own self.

,,**Now, imagine I'm someone else, a different person. Is there someone you want to do this with?**" turning back to shy and obedient like always, Shiro closed his eyes, laying on his side. Black Zetsu wrapped his arms around him from behind, finding his member and stroking it slightly. His white half moaned out a little, but Kuro knew he wasn't thinking about anyone yet. More precisely, he could see the whole train of thought in his own mind, too: the images of different people, members of the Akatsuki or subordinates or people he had eaten popped up in his head, but they all got rejected by his peculiar taste. He smirked as he heard a loud whimper. Looks like there was no need for this, after all.

,,**I will go ahead now.**"

,,Ahhhh..." no words escaped White's mouth. Kuro stuck three fingers in his own mouth, coating them thoroughly. He wanted his left side to be able to walk too, tomorrow. He spread his other half's legs and hesitantly brushed a wet finger over the white entrance. When he found the right determination, he pushed in carefully.

,,Nhhh..." Shiro hissed, trying to muffle all the sounds he made by biting his lip. He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side in embarrassment as those fingers searched for the right spots, stretching him wide.

,,I-is this a joke or are you really going to put your cock in there?"

,,**You should know if I'm joking without asking.**" and Black was right; they both knew the answer. He pulled out his fingers from his light half's asshole, gazing at the other's erection a little pissed. Shit, he got this hard without even being touched... But that didn't matter right now; the fun part was still to come. Kuro took the base of his member in his hand and guided himself into the man under him which was the same as himself.

,,It hurts...! It hurts...!" black Zetsu chuckled. He had never considered himself cute, but apparently, there was this side to his white half too. Even when he was penetrated, taken by another man, he kept from cursing, swearing or putting up a fight. Shiro was feeling incredible pain in the meanwhile and was glad he did this with himself for the first time; it would've been _extremely_ embarrassing to show this face to anyone else.

,,**I'm moving.**" Kuro stated as he pulled out until only the head was inside and pushed back, going even deeper. He thrust in and out of white Zetsu who cried out repeatedly. Soon, the pain was replaced with pleasure in his mind. When the other man started stroking his member, Shiro felt so excited, he started feeling like he never wanted to do anything else but this. His cheeks flushed, very close to an orgasm. Black smirked widely at this expression.

,,**You know, they always say 'Fuck yourself' but we're the only ones who actually get to experience such a thing.**"

,,Ha-ha-ha, very funny." White said sarcastically between one moan and another. Then, suddenly, Kuro hit his other half's prostate, bringing him to completion and coming himself at the same time.

,,Gyaaaaaaaaah!" the lighter half's cry echoed in the usually lonely and boring room, making them wonder if old-married-couple Pein and Konan, sexual-idiot Tobi and Deidara, kitty-loving Hidan and Kakuzu or arguing-over-fish Itachi and Kisame had heard it. They came at the same time, but they couldn't say it wasn't expected. Kuro pulled his cock out of Shiro, both panting heavily.

,,So what was that about sleeping?" White asked after some silence.

,,**I figured there's not enough room in a single bed.**" and without a second thought, they merged together again.

Laying on the bed, bored again, Zetsu only came to one conclusion: he was still lonely, after all.

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AN: Oh, another thing to add: constructive criticism, please. Because I'm a Cancer and I get upset sentimentally very easily. If you're gonna flame, just look for a punching bag or blow something up with a clay bird, or something.


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